I just left Whole Foods located in Union Square. I sometimes cop breakfast from there after dropping off my kids to school. This morning I mixed some of the hot food (turkey bacon) with some of the cold food (seaweed salad, quinoa) in my take out container. I’m tryna stay healthy. So I get to the cashier, and the West Indian girl behind the register asks me if the food is from the hot or cold section. I say both, then joke about how I’m not tryna break no laws. She scoffs, then goes into a tirade about “how yoo should see ‘ow these people comes in ‘ere an’ eat up a ‘hole lotta food, then come to the register, complain ‘ow they di’na like it an’ refuse to pay! Everyday! Meanwhiles, security is wastin time followin’ Black people who don’ steal nothing.” Huh? People are allowed to eat foods up in Whole Foods, way before paying? I never got that memo. But I did understand the greater message. Whole Foods, like most US institutions, have antiquated racist policies when it comes to how it deals with it’s patrons. Shit ain’t right, and if you know me, Combat Jack is all about racial harmony. So to my whites and Blacks, mainly to my whites, here’s a plan how we can all unite and teach Whole Foods a lesson while we all celebrate in the unified come-up.
Step 1. Let’s go half on a stroller. White, call your closest Black friend and cop one together. I’ve got 4 kids and trust when I say strollers are expensive. No worries though, cheaper used older models are preferrable. We can always find a steal on Craig’s List.
Step 2. A white baby doll. America LOVES babies. Especially here in New York. And the only thing New Yorkers love more than babies are white babies. This plan for racial harmony WILL NOT WORK with a Black or Hispanic looking doll! After copping the baby, throw it in the stroller, and cover that bitch up, just to make like the lil’ boo boo is fast asleep.
Step 3. Have Black friend play Black nanny. I dunno where you live, but here in Brooklyn, whites with Black nannies are all the rage!!! Just a couple of weeks ago a story was published about how the number 1 voted best neighborhood to live in is Park Slope, a 98% white populated nabe that is known for being liberal and of course, very diverse. Diverse in that 99% of the nannies that work there are Black. Makes me feel good that in these harsh economic times, peoples of color are landing gainful employment. Wait, you only have Black male friends? That’s cool. I used to live in Park Slope, and man, I’ve seen my share of Black men hired as mannies. Word up.
Step 4. Party time! Whites, now armed with your Black nanny, or manny, stroll up into Whole Foods and go the eff off! Pasta, pizza, soups, cakes, sushi, steak, roast beef sammiches, Whole Foods is like if you died, woke up and landed at God’s banquet. They carry EVERYTHING up in that bitch. Be careful never to separate from each other. As you both enjoy the fruits of fine dining, it is IMPERATIVE that the Black party always remain in nanny/manny role. Straying too far from the white party will almost automatically result in a #FAIL. For real though, eat together, and to your heart’s content. I hear Whole Foods even carries beer!!! Pop them caps yo!
Step 5. Complain. After both parties are full, have the Black party push the stroller behind white as you march up to the cashier. When you get there, act all types of indignant. America love its white indignant. Reminds her of how privileged this once “all white” nation was. Being condescending is always a plus. Then start wagging your finger and complaining about ALL types of shit. Pizza was too cold, sushi wasn’t fresh enough, salad was soggy, cake was sweeter than it was last week, soup had something crunchy in it, beer was kinda wet. While you’re putting in the work, make sure Black is standing behind you, pretending to shush the lil’ white baby doll, head kinda down in a subservient manner, but also glaring at the cashier in a protective manner. Blacks being protective of their white superiors, pissed off at any signs of their mistreatment is a classic role, one that will always work when Black and white are working fully as equals in any types of team. If the cashier is resistant, demand for the manager and, at the same time, pretend to be calling your lawyer, cop friend, congressman, judge uncle, cousin senator on your cell. After about 5 minutes of giving the establishment hell, they’ll most likely let you bounce, along with an apology. And some form of coupon for next week’s specials as a way to accomodate you for this unpleasant episode you’ve had to suffer.
Step 6. The Black/White High Five. Now, with belly full, and with mission accomplished. Stroll outta the joint like George Jefferson, turn the corner and execute the Black/White High Five. Victory is sweet. Overt acts of racism, especially when carried out blatantly by a major corporate power like Whole Foods is all types of evil!!! This is now a post-racial America god dammit. We are now a forward moving peoples. Antiquated acts of differential treatment of another peoples have no place for our Internets Generation. No one wins if we all don’t win. The only thing we love better than winners is the Black/White winners. And nothing demonstrates the Black/White winners better than the Black/White High Five!!!
And there you have it. Simple, harmless, morally rlight and mos def tasty and delish. Like the late B.I.G. would say, “follow these steps, you’ll have mad bread to break up!”